When the anxiety kicks in.

 

TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING.

ANXIETY.  DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK.

TRIGGER WARNING.

 

 

It is unstoppable.

It is terrifying, it is uncontrollable.

I can’t see anything but black spots and silver stars,

the world is a comic strip and I’m looking at it through glass.

I can’t hear anything but the ringing in my ears and the echoing of voices.

I am scared.

 

My brain feels like it has shattered

and the shards of glass stab at my skull.

My thoughts, like trains, drive themselves over

the shattered pieces and crash into the walls of my head.

 

A sickly churning sensation begins

in the pit of my stomach and the nausea climbs

up my oesophagus forming a lump in my throat.

A rope ties itself around me,

cinches my lungs together,

fills my head with air but doesn’t let it escape.

It holds itself there, in my head.

I feel as if I am floating.

 

 

My heart thrashes in my chest,

slamming itself against the caging of my ribs.

The sound ricochets through my bones

and my blood pulses.

I feel the thumping of my heart.

It travels through my blood,

it races in my veins.

 

My limbs are no longer connected

to the rest of me, they are detached.

They are giant hearts stood tall

around me, solid, beating in time,

surrounding me like wolves.

I am dying.

 

But I’m not.

These feelings aren’t real,

they come from inside my head.

My mind plays foul tricks on my body.

The adrenaline attacks me but

there is no real threat.

I’m poised and ready to fight or flee.

I just can’t decide which

so I sink to the floor,

I put my head in my hands,

tears roll down my cheeks and

I wait for the joke to be over.

 

 

____________________________

 

 

I have debated posting this for about a week now because it is really personal to me.

A lot of people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but not everyone experiences it in the same way.

I know that, for example, my panic attacks feel very different from Erin’s panic attacks. Erin is the person I share this blog with if you’re new here.

The reason I am sharing this post is because I don’t think people talk about anxiety and other mental health issues as much as they should. I also think it is important for people to know that having an anxiety disorder is not just getting nervous about going somewhere new or being worried before a presentation.

Anxiety disorders are categorised by feelings of anxiety that are almost constant and often more intense. Having an anxiety disorder (there are a lot of different types) can often affect daily life and lead to, as well as stem from, other mental health issues.

Over the last two weeks or so my anxiety has been a lot worse than usual, which is why I wrote my ‘poem’ if you could call it that. I wont go into why I have felt this way because again that is personal. But I felt it was important to share this incase even one person was feeling similar or just wanted some reassurance that they weren’t alone.

Let me know in the comments if you or anyone you know is affected by any type of mental health condition or if you have anything that could be helpful to share.

Thanks for reading.

Love Jodie x

I tried.

Wander through the barren bones,

the empty sockets, the rotting limbs.

Stumble over forgotten memories,

empty promises, stolen dreams.

 

Watch your step as you wade through despair, avoid hopelessness;

it will wait for you there, pounce on you there, wrap it’s arms round you there.

It will drag you downwards, keep you there, trap you there, lose you there.

 

So edge past the brick giants,

their hollow panes,

walk along the desolate lanes.

Dont run, they’ll know.

 

They always know.

 

~ Jodie  x

 

 

The Blighter’s Rock has me inspired, so I thought I would try my hand at poetry.

This is the first poem I have ever written outside of school. It’s not good by any means, but its ok.

I’m not particularly proud of it but I gave it a go- it could be worse.

 

I would love to know what your thoughts are!

Constructive criticism is not only welcome to this post, it is at top of the guest list.

 

Thanks

Love Jodie

THIS!

I started counting trees today

but stopped at eighty four

though I haven’t any proof to show

I’m sure there’s many more

 

I also counted smiles today

and conversely counted frowns

there’s some doubt about my findings

as I counted upside down

via Counting (unfinished) — the blighters rock

In all honesty I am just in love with this poet and his work. This particular poem elicited a shout of the word ‘this’ from me so I concluded it was worth sharing.

 

Lots of Love

Jodie x

A late night existential crisis.

I am someone who strives for originality and craves uniqueness. Drastic as it sounds, I would gladly sacrifice my humanity and morality for the chance to be an individual. A real individual. But by this I don’t mean different to everyone in the ‘hipster’ sense of the word. I don’t want to have to try and be unique, I just want to be it. I mean that I want to be completely and unquestionably myself. Only myself.

Of course I know all the sayings; no one can be you apart from yourself, you are your own person, there is only one of you. Blah blah blah, bullshit. If we are all different then why are there so many people with the same interests as us? Why are there so many universally ‘relatable’ things? Why do I find myself scrolling through hundreds of feeds and timelines and blogs and social media accounts and finding more and more people like me?

There are five things in my life (aside from family, friends and other basic needs) that I would say are important to me:

  1. Cats- specifically mine
  2. Clothes- specifically dark skinny jeans, doc martens, checked shirts, short skirts, long socks, harry potter/band t shirts, baggy jumpers.
  3. Books- specifically fiction, YA novels, poetry anthologies, a few classics.
  4. Coffee- specifically  all kinds of coffee.
  5. Fairy Lights- Specifically blue or white, not yellow.

Now I would think, that given how specific my requirements for each of these things are, I would be one of very few people who would set these things as a top five needs in life.

But I’m not, there are numerous people that I’ve encountered who love all of the things that I do. Which is scary if you ask me, and if I overthink it too much then my brain delves into all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies about the government and media so I won’t go down that route. But essentially, this means that despite my best efforts; I am terrifyingly, painfully and undeniably…ordinary.

Maybe, I’m being melodramatic- correction, I am definitely being melodramatic.

But I am genuinely at a point my life where, although I finally happy with who I am, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I want in life, I feel an extreme lack of purpose and I don’t have any long term goals due to my overall cluelessness.

So I’ve been desperately clinging to my sense of individuality. Yet now it seems that even that is nowhere near as prominent as I thought. I know that I like people who are different and I enjoy having the freedom to be who I am with those people.  However, I don’t know how I feel about it when I look closer. When I do that I can see that actually I am quite similar to some of those people. Although a lot of my opinions and values and likes and dislikes may be against the general norm they still fit in with a group of people who feel the same way. It’s almost as if we have group mentality of collective abnormality. We are proud of it, but doesn’t that make me no more unique than any of them?

What if this sense of self that I’ve been feeling lately isn’t really that at all? It’s just been me changing from trying to fit in with one group in order to fit in with another, more accepting group.

I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know what to think either.

I know that I am immensely over thinking now. This entire piece of writing is the product of me lying in bed at 11:30pm and allowing my mind to wander. When I wake up I’ll probably come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not I change myself or my outlook on life. Heck, I’ll probably laugh at this entire piece of writing because it’s so trivial. But for now I suppose I will continue my existential crisis as I attempt to fall asleep. Because for now, in this moment, it’s important.

Anyway, chances are none of this makes any sense, but if you’ve read this far then congrats, you’ve impressed me!

Until next time,

Love Jodie x

The Epic Experience that was Meeting Dodie Clark (Or, a Review)

Hello there!

It’s Erin AND Jodie! On our joint blog! Talking together. Sorry, minorly excited.

Jodie is in italics as usual, and Erin is in bold.

So, we went to see Dodie Clark

We did indeed and Eden (my sister) was ‘Jelly’ as she put it. I don’t use that word.

As in she was jealous?

Yes.

Good. Not good, but, you know. 

Yes

How was it, do you think?

It was amazingly beautiful and emotional. Someone actually ran out crying during Sick of Losing Soulmates.  The moment Dodie took to the stage the energy was insane! Oh my God, I can’t remember what Dodie opened with.

It was absolutely smitten. I remember because I was so excited that I was getting the lyrics wrong.

I was dancing in stunned silence- DODIE’S TWEETED

*GASP*

She tweeted Lady Gaga a heart.

Cute. We’re going off topic. It was absolutely amazing, and then we got to meet her, which was even more amazing. WE WERE MATCHING! SHE SAID THAT SHE LIKED MY YELLOW DRESS. *Garbled noises* Why are you laughing?

Cause you’re funny.

Thanks.

The start of the concert was upbeat and made us… I don’t even know, I was just shocked. It was this exciting upbeat entrance of pure joy.

I was literally jumping around, I think everyone around us hated me. It was like a dream come true, which sounds cheesy, but it was. Yeah.

Seeing her in real life, like in front of me and not on my laptop screen, was so surreal.

When I was singing along, it was like really nice cause it felt like she was just being herself, it felt like being at a party, like a Dodie party. She sounds exactly the same live!

Seeing her performing the songs I watched at home for so many years felt really special.

The slower songs were super emotional, you could hear the meaning behind the lyrics, I was holding back tears,  what about you?

I was transfixed almost, it was as if the rest of the audience wasn’t there. It was so weird but amazing at the same time.

I had, almost, it felt like tunnel vision. I could only see the stage.

Yeah! The band were so good! Everything felt perfectly rehearsed but also natural. It was brilliant!

Let’s not forget the confetti canons!

The most underwhelming surprise I have ever received. It was hilarious. So much hype for something that didn’t happen.

Don’t savage Dodie, or her helpers!

I’m talking in jest, don’t savage me.

Alright, Alright. Anyway, Orla Gartland opened for Dodie and was in the band, her set was beautiful. I think singing teenage dirtbag with Orla was so much fun- Dodie tweeted. Dodie tweeted. We’re ridiculous.

Yes Orla was great, we need to stop getting distracted. It was amazing to see her for the second time in two months. 

Roots is your favourite, isn’t it?

Yeah, and Lonely People.

I like Get Back and also Red Brick Paradise! That’s a good one.

It is, I was so excited when she started playing it because I’d requested it for a Nina Nesbitt concert that we went to see in October.  But she replied to me saying that the set list was too packed. However, this time she added it so that was cool.

Yeah Orla was amazing! We were also lucky enough to meet some of our favourite youtubers whilst waiting in the two hour queue after the gig to meet Dodie.

It was so annoying that we ended up being pushed from the front of the queue to the back of the queue. But it was worth the wait to meet Dodie.

And speak to Manager Josh.

He said we were very smiley for being at the back of the line. We were incredibly smiley.

Manager Josh made us very smiley. I love Manager Josh.

I love Manager Josh.

Who doesn’t love Manager Josh really? How old is Manager Josh? He’s so tiny. No offence Manager Josh. It’s a compliment, I promise.

He is a very petite male. Anywho back to Dodie, meeting her was lovely, she was so sweet even after meeting nearly 300 people before us! 

She’s just a lovely tall bumblebee coated in joy.

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I agree. As are Lucy Moon, Hannah Witton, and Orla Gartland although I think Lucy is a Dragonfly and Hannah is a Ladybird.

YEAH I see that! Orla’s too cool to be cute.

I know right! So overall, the gig was absolutely brilliant.

Truth. Dodie is a wonderful human, my favourite human.

And we don’t like humans. Dodie is an exception. 

The music was amazing.

Manager Josh was a legend.

Lucy and Hannah were lovely.

And it was a great night.

Hope you guys enjoyed our chatty little review/recap thing. If you want to see more like this, let us know in the comments and we’ll get right on it! I should be revising for my mocks but instead I’m writing this and learning the ukulele chords to ‘Would You be So Kind’. Again, we’re sorry about the delay in between blogs but we’ve been super busy lately. We both have mocks and exams coming up, so bear with for a while. We promise we’ll come back after the school year has finished, much more organised.

Till next time!

Jodie and Erin xx

P.S. That’s my friend Robyn in the featured image, she came to the gig with us.

Is It Christmas Yet?

Hello there

Its Erin.

And, wow, we have not blogged in a long time. Honestly, we should be ashamed in ourselves. I’m afraid I’ve had a bit of writers block, which inevitably leads to me just not posting, nor trying. But I have suddenly realised that it is November, which slightly scares me. But, with November, for me anyway, comes the beginning of Christmas. Michael Bublé has emerged from the depths of his cave. Shops have offers of Christmas bargains everywhere, and I, am beginning to feel festive. However, feeling slightly festive in November is a strange occurrence for me, as I am normally counting down the days from September 1st. I don’t know whether it’s a growing up thing, or it might be that I get told off every time a hum of ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside’ is heard by anyone else. That probably has a lot to do with it. But I’m remaining positive and just singing at the top of my voice when I’m by myself, or with friends who understand my love for the Christmas season.

Now, the reason I love Christmas so much is because there’s a real sense of joy and community around the season. People are all wrapped up in coats, scarves, and hats. Cafes have scented candles everywhere. And the whole hustle bustle of shopping gives a comforting effect. I hate crowds, I hate queues. Generally, I’m not keen on shopping. But something about having the people around you thinking about the people they love and care for as they stock up on gifts for them just makes my heart feel warm. I love shopping for other people, and seeing the looks on their faces as they open their presents. For me, it’s absolutely the best part of the season (Along with the music and films). Yes, it can be stressful, but at the end of it all, everybody seems to feel really happy. And I think that’s what makes it all worth it. The sheer joy that seems to coat the world, even just for a day.

Now, I know some of you will be reading this thinking, ‘Oh my goodness, she’s so weird! It’s way too early to be celebrating!’. I promise you, I’m not celebrating just yet, merely looking forward to celebrating. Yes, I’m listening to the music, and being happy about the shop decorations. But I’m not actively seeking Christmas spirit, just letting it come to me.

What are your thoughts on celebrating? Am I way too early to be happy about it? Let me know by commenting down below or tweeting us. Also, I’d love to know anybody’s tips or tricks to get around writers block, as I’m having a right old struggle with it at the moment!

’till next time

Erin xx

The October Bucket List

 

 

  • Make a leaf pile, jump in it.
  • Be a common white girl and have a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
  • Have a movie marathon with friends involving lots of blankets, cushions, popcorn and warm beverages.
  • Wear lots of oversized jumpers. And beanie hats.
  • Read a book.
  • Carve pumpkins and attempt to do so artistically.
  • Decorate your house for autumn because we all know how badly you want a pinterest worthy house.
  • Take loads of pictures of everything Autumnal.
  • Make an October playlist.
  • Toast Marshmallows over a fire.
  • Cuddle with an animal or human of your choice because hugs are amazing.
  • Watch Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare before Christmas at least 7 times each. Why 7 you ask? If you’re Potter fan you’ll understand.
  • Speaking of Harry Potter, October is the perfect time to have a Potter Marathon with all your nerdy friends.
  • Find or make a kickass Halloween costume.
  • Have a Halloween Party.
  • Eat way too many sweets and more chocolate than you’ve ever consumed before!

 

That’s my October Bucket List, let me know  some of your ideas in the comments below.

Love Jodie x