TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING.
ANXIETY. DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK.
It is unstoppable.
It is terrifying, it is uncontrollable.
I can’t see anything but black spots and silver stars,
the world is a comic strip and I’m looking at it through glass.
I can’t hear anything but the ringing in my ears and the echoing of voices.
I am scared.
My brain feels like it has shattered
and the shards of glass stab at my skull.
My thoughts, like trains, drive themselves over
the shattered pieces and crash into the walls of my head.
A sickly churning sensation begins
in the pit of my stomach and the nausea climbs
up my oesophagus forming a lump in my throat.
A rope ties itself around me,
cinches my lungs together,
fills my head with air but doesn’t let it escape.
It holds itself there, in my head.
I feel as if I am floating.
My heart thrashes in my chest,
slamming itself against the caging of my ribs.
The sound ricochets through my bones
and my blood pulses.
I feel the thumping of my heart.
It travels through my blood,
it races in my veins.
My limbs are no longer connected
to the rest of me, they are detached.
They are giant hearts stood tall
around me, solid, beating in time,
surrounding me like wolves.
I am dying.
But I’m not.
These feelings aren’t real,
they come from inside my head.
My mind plays foul tricks on my body.
The adrenaline attacks me but
there is no real threat.
I’m poised and ready to fight or flee.
I just can’t decide which
so I sink to the floor,
I put my head in my hands,
tears roll down my cheeks and
I wait for the joke to be over.
I have debated posting this for about a week now because it is really personal to me.
A lot of people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but not everyone experiences it in the same way.
I know that, for example, my panic attacks feel very different from Erin’s panic attacks. Erin is the person I share this blog with if you’re new here.
The reason I am sharing this post is because I don’t think people talk about anxiety and other mental health issues as much as they should. I also think it is important for people to know that having an anxiety disorder is not just getting nervous about going somewhere new or being worried before a presentation.
Anxiety disorders are categorised by feelings of anxiety that are almost constant and often more intense. Having an anxiety disorder (there are a lot of different types) can often affect daily life and lead to, as well as stem from, other mental health issues.
Over the last two weeks or so my anxiety has been a lot worse than usual, which is why I wrote my ‘poem’ if you could call it that. I wont go into why I have felt this way because again that is personal. But I felt it was important to share this incase even one person was feeling similar or just wanted some reassurance that they weren’t alone.
Let me know in the comments if you or anyone you know is affected by any type of mental health condition or if you have anything that could be helpful to share.
Thanks for reading.
Love Jodie x