When the anxiety kicks in.

 

TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING.

ANXIETY.  DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK.

TRIGGER WARNING.

 

 

It is unstoppable.

It is terrifying, it is uncontrollable.

I can’t see anything but black spots and silver stars,

the world is a comic strip and I’m looking at it through glass.

I can’t hear anything but the ringing in my ears and the echoing of voices.

I am scared.

 

My brain feels like it has shattered

and the shards of glass stab at my skull.

My thoughts, like trains, drive themselves over

the shattered pieces and crash into the walls of my head.

 

A sickly churning sensation begins

in the pit of my stomach and the nausea climbs

up my oesophagus forming a lump in my throat.

A rope ties itself around me,

cinches my lungs together,

fills my head with air but doesn’t let it escape.

It holds itself there, in my head.

I feel as if I am floating.

 

 

My heart thrashes in my chest,

slamming itself against the caging of my ribs.

The sound ricochets through my bones

and my blood pulses.

I feel the thumping of my heart.

It travels through my blood,

it races in my veins.

 

My limbs are no longer connected

to the rest of me, they are detached.

They are giant hearts stood tall

around me, solid, beating in time,

surrounding me like wolves.

I am dying.

 

But I’m not.

These feelings aren’t real,

they come from inside my head.

My mind plays foul tricks on my body.

The adrenaline attacks me but

there is no real threat.

I’m poised and ready to fight or flee.

I just can’t decide which

so I sink to the floor,

I put my head in my hands,

tears roll down my cheeks and

I wait for the joke to be over.

 

 

____________________________

 

 

I have debated posting this for about a week now because it is really personal to me.

A lot of people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but not everyone experiences it in the same way.

I know that, for example, my panic attacks feel very different from Erin’s panic attacks. Erin is the person I share this blog with if you’re new here.

The reason I am sharing this post is because I don’t think people talk about anxiety and other mental health issues as much as they should. I also think it is important for people to know that having an anxiety disorder is not just getting nervous about going somewhere new or being worried before a presentation.

Anxiety disorders are categorised by feelings of anxiety that are almost constant and often more intense. Having an anxiety disorder (there are a lot of different types) can often affect daily life and lead to, as well as stem from, other mental health issues.

Over the last two weeks or so my anxiety has been a lot worse than usual, which is why I wrote my ‘poem’ if you could call it that. I wont go into why I have felt this way because again that is personal. But I felt it was important to share this incase even one person was feeling similar or just wanted some reassurance that they weren’t alone.

Let me know in the comments if you or anyone you know is affected by any type of mental health condition or if you have anything that could be helpful to share.

Thanks for reading.

Love Jodie x

The October Bucket List

 

 

  • Make a leaf pile, jump in it.
  • Be a common white girl and have a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
  • Have a movie marathon with friends involving lots of blankets, cushions, popcorn and warm beverages.
  • Wear lots of oversized jumpers. And beanie hats.
  • Read a book.
  • Carve pumpkins and attempt to do so artistically.
  • Decorate your house for autumn because we all know how badly you want a pinterest worthy house.
  • Take loads of pictures of everything Autumnal.
  • Make an October playlist.
  • Toast Marshmallows over a fire.
  • Cuddle with an animal or human of your choice because hugs are amazing.
  • Watch Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare before Christmas at least 7 times each. Why 7 you ask? If you’re Potter fan you’ll understand.
  • Speaking of Harry Potter, October is the perfect time to have a Potter Marathon with all your nerdy friends.
  • Find or make a kickass Halloween costume.
  • Have a Halloween Party.
  • Eat way too many sweets and more chocolate than you’ve ever consumed before!

 

That’s my October Bucket List, let me know  some of your ideas in the comments below.

Love Jodie x

Too Young To Know What Love Is

Lately, a lot of ‘adults’ have been talking about teenage relationships as if they are insignificant or inferior. As a 17 year old who has been in a relationship for two years, I disagree.

The idea of love being a feeling that is dependent on age is absurd. If I am too young to feel romantic love, then surely I am too young to feel familial love and platonic love as well? Yet I have love for my parents, siblings, grandparents, friends and even pets. But you don’t question it.

Is it that teenage romantic love is inferior to adult romantic love?

Or is it just that adults in long term relationship forget what falling in love for the first time is like?   Do people get so comfortable in their relationships that they stop doing the small things that make young love so special? I think so.

When an adult leaves a relationship and starts to fall for someone else, they often describe having the feeling of being young again. Or they mock their actions and say things like ‘I’m acting like a teenager’. As if it’s something to be ashamed of.

Maybe it’s adults that have got it wrong. Perhaps teenage love is the exact kind of love that everyone should be feeling.

Teenage love is raw, new, exciting, stupid and a learning process.It’s so important for a teenager to accept that their feelings are valid and real. By the time people get to adulthood they seem to have exhausted their education of love and want to settle down. But why is this boring cyclical relationship that they spend hours complaining about to their friends, superior to the joyous ‘puppy love’ that they look down upon.

My opinion is; it’s not superior in the slightest.

I am not too young to feel love. I think you are too old to remember the basic premise of love and relationships. I agree commitment and support are fundamental components in a successful relationship. In order to sustain a relationship you must be able to be practical and look at it maturely. However, most adults I know seem to think that this is all the matters in a relationship. How boring.

So if your an adult reading this and feel as though you and your partner have lost your spark.

My challenge to you is:

Grow the hell down! Surprise your partner with flowers or chocolate, eat too much ice cream, go on a double date, go to a theme park, play 20 questions, take ridiculously silly photos of each other! Be a teenager, just for a day. Chances are you might learn something new about each other.

And if you’re a teenager reading this, enjoy being a teenager! Make mistakes, have a laugh,  fall in love, go out with your friends, girlfriends, boyfriends. Savour your youth, because most people don’t.

I’m not saying that all adolescent relationships are healthy or will last, but I think everyone needs an equal balance of youth and maturity.

I hope you found this interesting, helpful, or even if you concluded it was  a little stupid. Whatever your thoughts, let me know in the comments.

Love Jodie X