Tag: life

A late night existential crisis.

I am someone who strives for originality and craves uniqueness. Drastic as it sounds, I would gladly sacrifice my humanity and morality for the chance to be an individual. A real individual. But by this I don’t mean different to everyone in the ‘hipster’ sense of the word. I don’t want to have to try and be unique, I just want to be it. I mean that I want to be completely and unquestionably myself. Only myself.

Of course I know all the sayings; no one can be you apart from yourself, you are your own person, there is only one of you. Blah blah blah, bullshit. If we are all different then why are there so many people with the same interests as us? Why are there so many universally ‘relatable’ things? Why do I find myself scrolling through hundreds of feeds and timelines and blogs and social media accounts and finding more and more people like me?

There are five things in my life (aside from family, friends and other basic needs) that I would say are important to me:

  1. Cats- specifically mine
  2. Clothes- specifically dark skinny jeans, doc martens, checked shirts, short skirts, long socks, harry potter/band t shirts, baggy jumpers.
  3. Books- specifically fiction, YA novels, poetry anthologies, a few classics.
  4. Coffee- specifically  all kinds of coffee.
  5. Fairy Lights- Specifically blue or white, not yellow.

Now I would think, that given how specific my requirements for each of these things are, I would be one of very few people who would set these things as a top five needs in life.

But I’m not, there are numerous people that I’ve encountered who love all of the things that I do. Which is scary if you ask me, and if I overthink it too much then my brain delves into all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies about the government and media so I won’t go down that route. But essentially, this means that despite my best efforts; I am terrifyingly, painfully and undeniably…ordinary.

Maybe, I’m being melodramatic- correction, I am definitely being melodramatic.

But I am genuinely at a point my life where, although I finally happy with who I am, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I want in life, I feel an extreme lack of purpose and I don’t have any long term goals due to my overall cluelessness.

So I’ve been desperately clinging to my sense of individuality. Yet now it seems that even that is nowhere near as prominent as I thought. I know that I like people who are different and I enjoy having the freedom to be who I am with those people.  However, I don’t know how I feel about it when I look closer. When I do that I can see that actually I am quite similar to some of those people. Although a lot of my opinions and values and likes and dislikes may be against the general norm they still fit in with a group of people who feel the same way. It’s almost as if we have group mentality of collective abnormality. We are proud of it, but doesn’t that make me no more unique than any of them?

What if this sense of self that I’ve been feeling lately isn’t really that at all? It’s just been me changing from trying to fit in with one group in order to fit in with another, more accepting group.

I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know what to think either.

I know that I am immensely over thinking now. This entire piece of writing is the product of me lying in bed at 11:30pm and allowing my mind to wander. When I wake up I’ll probably come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not I change myself or my outlook on life. Heck, I’ll probably laugh at this entire piece of writing because it’s so trivial. But for now I suppose I will continue my existential crisis as I attempt to fall asleep. Because for now, in this moment, it’s important.

Anyway, chances are none of this makes any sense, but if you’ve read this far then congrats, you’ve impressed me!

Until next time,

Love Jodie x

Twinwood and School

Hello there!

It’s Erin

And it has just occurred to me that I haven’t updated on the blog in a while. Jodie made me realize this because she’s been uploading every day, which is pretty awesome, round of applause for Jodie!

I know that today was the first day back for a lot of schools in Britain, but luckily, myself and Jodie got today off to give the year 7’s a chance to get used to the school. so, instead of spending time at school today, I spent time preparing for school. You know, washing, sorting out my bag, dreading the inevitable state of self loathing I’ll be in for the next year. You know, the usual. After clearing out my wardrobe, and my room, I feel like there’s space in my head to think. and it’s amazing. So, now that my head is clear and I can tell you about my thoughts, I thought I’d tell you about Twinwood.

Twinwood is a vintage music festival that I was lucky enough to attend with my family last week. We were glamping in the tents provided by Brook Bell Tents (click the link, their website’s really pretty). We had two double beds, my sister and I shared one, my parents in the other. I learnt that my little sister has no respect for personal space when she sleeps, and that I need personal space when I sleep.  ANYWAY. The festival lasted 6 days in total if you came early and left late.

The festival itself is amazing. people come dressed up in their vintage clothes, there’s bars and places to get your hair done, you get to listen to live bands on 5 different stages, and there’s dance lessons for all sorts of different vintage dances. My mum and I went to the Lindy Hop lesson. And all this happens around what feels like thousands of stalls. We didn’t even see them all. I got some brilliant bits, and thanks to Sarah’s Do-Wop Do’s and The Fabulous Hair Company, my hair looked awesome all weekend. One of the highlights for me was seeing everyone dressed in their vintage finery. There was a competition for Miss and Mr Vintage UK, and the finals were held on the Sunday. The winners looked fabulous, as as well as the 13 runners up and it was a lot of fun! The absolute best part was definitely the music, though. The Bootleg Beatles were my personal favourite, they had me singing along at the top of my lungs.

I’m so glad I got to have this experience, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Although, I think myself and Lola will get twin beds next year!

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Did you guys have a good first day back? I hope so! Let me know how yours went in the comments.

‘Till next time!

Erin xx

Day Three – Home

They say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you’re alone
Is where you go to rest your bones
It’s not just where you lay your head
It’s not just where you make your bed
As long as we’re together, does it matter where we go?

~ Gabrielle Aplin

 

To me, home is somewhere I feel safe and happy. I dont have the easiest home life, my brother has a lot of issues, my sister gets very sad sometimes and my mum is not very well a lot of the time. But there is nowhere else I’d rather be than with them.

Some days all I want is to get out of the house, I want to run and never look back. Some days I wish I lived somewhere else, away from the chaos and stress. But then I remember that without the often chaotic atmosphere, it wouldn’t be home. I wouldn’t feel safe, and loved. and at ease, because home is where my family are.

Home is where my cat waits at the bottom of the stairs for me when I come in. It’s where my soft, blue fairy lights are. It’s where I sing songs with my sister at the top of my lungs, dance around the house in my underwear just because I can. It’s where my brother tells terrible jokes that you can’t help but laugh at. It’s where I can go and lay in my bed with a book and a coffee at the end a bad day. Home is where I want to be.

Maybe it’s the introvert in me, but the majority of the time home is where I wish I could stay. I love going out with my friends and I love doing exciting things, I enjoy going for walks and being out of the house. This is because a lot of the time I can feel claustrophobic in my house given some of the less than perfect circumstances. But I know that none of that means anything when I have my family with me, because we have the most fun ever. My mum, although a lot of people don’t know it, is one of the funniest people I have ever met, my sister is the kindest, most considerate sister in the world, and my brother is the quickest, wittiest 8 year old in existence. They’re all perfect in their own ways despite their flaws and they are where my home is.

 

Let me know what makes a real home for you in the comments!

Love Jodie x