When the anxiety kicks in.

 

TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING.

ANXIETY.  DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK.

TRIGGER WARNING.

 

 

It is unstoppable.

It is terrifying, it is uncontrollable.

I can’t see anything but black spots and silver stars,

the world is a comic strip and I’m looking at it through glass.

I can’t hear anything but the ringing in my ears and the echoing of voices.

I am scared.

 

My brain feels like it has shattered

and the shards of glass stab at my skull.

My thoughts, like trains, drive themselves over

the shattered pieces and crash into the walls of my head.

 

A sickly churning sensation begins

in the pit of my stomach and the nausea climbs

up my oesophagus forming a lump in my throat.

A rope ties itself around me,

cinches my lungs together,

fills my head with air but doesn’t let it escape.

It holds itself there, in my head.

I feel as if I am floating.

 

 

My heart thrashes in my chest,

slamming itself against the caging of my ribs.

The sound ricochets through my bones

and my blood pulses.

I feel the thumping of my heart.

It travels through my blood,

it races in my veins.

 

My limbs are no longer connected

to the rest of me, they are detached.

They are giant hearts stood tall

around me, solid, beating in time,

surrounding me like wolves.

I am dying.

 

But I’m not.

These feelings aren’t real,

they come from inside my head.

My mind plays foul tricks on my body.

The adrenaline attacks me but

there is no real threat.

I’m poised and ready to fight or flee.

I just can’t decide which

so I sink to the floor,

I put my head in my hands,

tears roll down my cheeks and

I wait for the joke to be over.

 

 

____________________________

 

 

I have debated posting this for about a week now because it is really personal to me.

A lot of people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, but not everyone experiences it in the same way.

I know that, for example, my panic attacks feel very different from Erin’s panic attacks. Erin is the person I share this blog with if you’re new here.

The reason I am sharing this post is because I don’t think people talk about anxiety and other mental health issues as much as they should. I also think it is important for people to know that having an anxiety disorder is not just getting nervous about going somewhere new or being worried before a presentation.

Anxiety disorders are categorised by feelings of anxiety that are almost constant and often more intense. Having an anxiety disorder (there are a lot of different types) can often affect daily life and lead to, as well as stem from, other mental health issues.

Over the last two weeks or so my anxiety has been a lot worse than usual, which is why I wrote my ‘poem’ if you could call it that. I wont go into why I have felt this way because again that is personal. But I felt it was important to share this incase even one person was feeling similar or just wanted some reassurance that they weren’t alone.

Let me know in the comments if you or anyone you know is affected by any type of mental health condition or if you have anything that could be helpful to share.

Thanks for reading.

Love Jodie x

A late night existential crisis.

I am someone who strives for originality and craves uniqueness. Drastic as it sounds, I would gladly sacrifice my humanity and morality for the chance to be an individual. A real individual. But by this I don’t mean different to everyone in the ‘hipster’ sense of the word. I don’t want to have to try and be unique, I just want to be it. I mean that I want to be completely and unquestionably myself. Only myself.

Of course I know all the sayings; no one can be you apart from yourself, you are your own person, there is only one of you. Blah blah blah, bullshit. If we are all different then why are there so many people with the same interests as us? Why are there so many universally ‘relatable’ things? Why do I find myself scrolling through hundreds of feeds and timelines and blogs and social media accounts and finding more and more people like me?

There are five things in my life (aside from family, friends and other basic needs) that I would say are important to me:

  1. Cats- specifically mine
  2. Clothes- specifically dark skinny jeans, doc martens, checked shirts, short skirts, long socks, harry potter/band t shirts, baggy jumpers.
  3. Books- specifically fiction, YA novels, poetry anthologies, a few classics.
  4. Coffee- specifically  all kinds of coffee.
  5. Fairy Lights- Specifically blue or white, not yellow.

Now I would think, that given how specific my requirements for each of these things are, I would be one of very few people who would set these things as a top five needs in life.

But I’m not, there are numerous people that I’ve encountered who love all of the things that I do. Which is scary if you ask me, and if I overthink it too much then my brain delves into all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies about the government and media so I won’t go down that route. But essentially, this means that despite my best efforts; I am terrifyingly, painfully and undeniably…ordinary.

Maybe, I’m being melodramatic- correction, I am definitely being melodramatic.

But I am genuinely at a point my life where, although I finally happy with who I am, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I want in life, I feel an extreme lack of purpose and I don’t have any long term goals due to my overall cluelessness.

So I’ve been desperately clinging to my sense of individuality. Yet now it seems that even that is nowhere near as prominent as I thought. I know that I like people who are different and I enjoy having the freedom to be who I am with those people.  However, I don’t know how I feel about it when I look closer. When I do that I can see that actually I am quite similar to some of those people. Although a lot of my opinions and values and likes and dislikes may be against the general norm they still fit in with a group of people who feel the same way. It’s almost as if we have group mentality of collective abnormality. We are proud of it, but doesn’t that make me no more unique than any of them?

What if this sense of self that I’ve been feeling lately isn’t really that at all? It’s just been me changing from trying to fit in with one group in order to fit in with another, more accepting group.

I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know what to think either.

I know that I am immensely over thinking now. This entire piece of writing is the product of me lying in bed at 11:30pm and allowing my mind to wander. When I wake up I’ll probably come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not I change myself or my outlook on life. Heck, I’ll probably laugh at this entire piece of writing because it’s so trivial. But for now I suppose I will continue my existential crisis as I attempt to fall asleep. Because for now, in this moment, it’s important.

Anyway, chances are none of this makes any sense, but if you’ve read this far then congrats, you’ve impressed me!

Until next time,

Love Jodie x

Day Three – Home

They say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you’re alone
Is where you go to rest your bones
It’s not just where you lay your head
It’s not just where you make your bed
As long as we’re together, does it matter where we go?

~ Gabrielle Aplin

 

To me, home is somewhere I feel safe and happy. I dont have the easiest home life, my brother has a lot of issues, my sister gets very sad sometimes and my mum is not very well a lot of the time. But there is nowhere else I’d rather be than with them.

Some days all I want is to get out of the house, I want to run and never look back. Some days I wish I lived somewhere else, away from the chaos and stress. But then I remember that without the often chaotic atmosphere, it wouldn’t be home. I wouldn’t feel safe, and loved. and at ease, because home is where my family are.

Home is where my cat waits at the bottom of the stairs for me when I come in. It’s where my soft, blue fairy lights are. It’s where I sing songs with my sister at the top of my lungs, dance around the house in my underwear just because I can. It’s where my brother tells terrible jokes that you can’t help but laugh at. It’s where I can go and lay in my bed with a book and a coffee at the end a bad day. Home is where I want to be.

Maybe it’s the introvert in me, but the majority of the time home is where I wish I could stay. I love going out with my friends and I love doing exciting things, I enjoy going for walks and being out of the house. This is because a lot of the time I can feel claustrophobic in my house given some of the less than perfect circumstances. But I know that none of that means anything when I have my family with me, because we have the most fun ever. My mum, although a lot of people don’t know it, is one of the funniest people I have ever met, my sister is the kindest, most considerate sister in the world, and my brother is the quickest, wittiest 8 year old in existence. They’re all perfect in their own ways despite their flaws and they are where my home is.

 

Let me know what makes a real home for you in the comments!

Love Jodie x

Day One – I write because…

I have signed up to the wordpress course for finding everyday inspiration so a lot of my posts are going to be based on this for a while, I hope you enjoy them!

I write because of a lot of things, the main reason being that I have a lot of thoughts. An impossible amount of thoughts to be completely honest. Writing helps me to put them in order and figure out which ones are actually important as well as those that aren’t. At the moment I’ve got even more on my mind than usual, I won’t go into detail because that isnt the purpose of this post but let’s just say I’ve been writing about my worries and experiences a lot recently. If you’re someone with a talent for over thinking like I am then perhaps try writing to get your thoughts out in the open. I’ve found it’s the only thing that helps because it acts as a way of venting as well as clarification so you don’t have to keep everything bottled up. As a wise woman once told me, don’t be a pressure cooker of a person.

Thanks for reading,

Love Jodie  x

A stream of consciousness

So I decided that I really needed to post something and everything I have tried to write lately has been awful. So I decided to try less with a post and just write down everything that comes into my head in around 10 minutes. I think I’ve been trying too hard for perfection and have forgotten that this blog is just a fun outlet not an obligation. I have done nothing to the words other correct spelling mistakes and add paragraphs for easier reading.

So here is me, completely unedited and unplanned. I hope you get something slightly amusing from it, if anything. Step in to my brain…

 

It’s 9;05am and I am in the best mood ever!

I woke up wanting to sing and dance around the house, so I have. I’m listening to Take That, I love Take That, they make me feel nostalgic because I used to listen to them in the car with my mum when I was little.

I wonder if they ever feel nostalgic and listen to their old albums. I don’t think I could bare that. My voice recorded is horrible, I can’t believe I normally sound like that to people. My voice is so irritating, I don’t know how I have any friends when my voice is such an irritant.  But then again everyone thinks that.

My cat’s here now, Fergus. He’s sitting on my lap purring and trying to get at the keys of my laptop as I type this. Cats make everything better in life, no wonder the ancient Egyptians worshipped them, they’re my saviour when I feel sad. Cats are intelligent they know how to love- Bastille just came on, now I’m thinking about my friend Emily who loves them more than she should.

When we went on a school trip to Barcelona I set Bastille as our alarm so that she’d wake up happy every morning, it worked very well. I turned her into a morning person for that holiday. I have an itch on my forehead. I scratched it.

My phone is buzzing but I can’t be bothered to look at it in case it’s someone I don’t want to talk to because that will stress me out. I get stressed very easily. The music got too loud just now and that stressed me out- I turned it down. I have friends who need help and that stresses me out because I don’t know how to help them. I’m eating sherbet lemons… this calms me down because they are my all-time favourite sweet along with flying saucers. I like sherbet. I’m a sugar addict. I’m also a coffee addict so I have fairly strong coffee with 2 sugars, in case you’re wondering. Speaking of which I’m going to stop typing now because my sherbet lemon has almost dissolved and I want to drink my coffee. I feel like this is a good place to stop.

 

 

Thanks for reading, feel free to comment on my meandering thoughts.

Love Jodie x

A Post For My Friends

It’s only been a week and yet I have learned so much.

During the last week I have found that I have far more amazing friends than I thought I had. Now, that isn’t to say that I didn’t already know my friends were amazing, because I did. But after this past week of going through a very difficult time, I have found that my friends are the silver lining of a currently miserable situation.

You see, I was dumped. It sounds brutal, the word dumped, it wasn’t. It sounds harsh, it wasn’t. The boy that I loved told me that he no longer felt that way for me.

It hurt. A lot.

I won’t go into the details of what happened (although there isn’t much to it) because that isn’t fair.

Although I will say that I am fine now, I wasn’t then, but I am now. At times I still feel sad about it, sometimes I am angry but most of the time- I’m over it. I’m so over it.

After two years of being in a relationship with someone you’d think it’d take longer to feel ok again. However, honestly, a week later I’m practically me again. I have my friends to thank for that.

I am beyond grateful. They have been there for me, for the late night phone calls, the teary afternoons, the anxiety filled mornings, everything. They have been supportive, accepting, helpful, kind and considerate. They’ve put up with my moaning and ranting and confusion. They’ve helped me feel ok again in such a short space of time. I know now, that no matter what happens in my love life or lack thereof for now, I will always have the most phenomenal people there to help me through.

So thank you.

As for the feeling of first heartbreak, there isn’t much I can say other than it’s s*** to be completely honest. I went for days with a lump in my throat and a weight on my chest. I felt sick to my stomach, I held a constant feeling of dread and I permanently felt light-headed.

He was my first love, first kiss, first everything.

But I regret nothing, the two years we were together were some of the happiest I’ve had. He was an amazing person to be able to share part of my teenage life with and I’m honestly so glad that I got to share it with him. But now, I’m ready to move on, I’ve done my moping. Some days may be harder than others but pretty soon I won’t even think twice when I see him in the corridor at school. I’m practically there already. I don’t feel uncomfortable in the slightest when around him, the first day was the hardest, now I don’t actually care. I’m happy. I do what I want, I talk to who I want. I try my hardest to be as sensitive as possible but to be honest, it wasn’t my decision to end the relationship so I should be able to do as I please now.

I’ve finally had the opportunity to make a decision, even though the end of our relationship was not my decision.

What happens next most definitely is.

 

Thank you for reading,

let me know your thoughts on first loves, or first heartbreaks, or any other firsts.

Love Jodie x

 

Angry at Idiocy

So this post was supposed to be about the brilliant Harry Potter Picnic that I hosted.

It was a brilliant and happy, fun-filled day. But honestly, I am not in the mood to write about that today. It feels wrong that yesterday I was having fun with my friends, worrying over Harry Potter trivia, and fighting to win a stupid quiz. Because today right now there are over 50 people in hospitals in Orlando, fighting for their lives. There are another 50 dead. It is likely that the death toll number will rise. The night before this Christina Grimmie, a highly talented youtuber and musician was shot at a meet and greet after her concert. She was shot by a man who didn’t even face up to the consequences as he subsequently shot himself afterwards. There will be no justice for her. Those are just the deaths we around the world have actually heard about.

I am so so angry. The thought that someone walked into that nightclub last night and opened fire on a huge number of LGBTQ+ people is to me unimaginable. Yet it happened. It actually happened.

In 2016, after fighting for equality, fighting to change opinions and fighting for the right to love who the hell we want. This can still happen. In a gay night club, where people go to be themselves in a safe environment and have fun. If a gay person cannot feel safe in a gay bar then how are they supposed feel safe in the rest of the world?

The press are calling the shooter ‘mentally disturbed’. If this is a true and accurate depiction that he was in fact ‘crazy’ then why on earth was he allowed access to a gun? The vast acceptance of guns within America is mindboggling to me. I know a lot of people argue that it isn’t guns that kill people it is the person behind said gun. But surely, if something that is designed to kill is so easily accessible it is bound to cause death. The assault rifles used in these murders are not for hunting, they are for killing.

The shooter used an AR-15-type assault rifle, which has become the signature weapon of mass killers in the US according to The Telagraph.

Jon Cozart- a youtuber tweeted this:

Automatic weapons were invented for war, to kill mass amounts of ppl. You can’t hunt with them. There’s nothing recreational about them.

I agree. The type of person who buys again is obviously fine with committing murder. Chances are, even if your excuse for obtaining the gun is ‘self-defence’, in the moment at which you decide to use the gun for that reason, you are likely to shoot to kill.

So why is it, that after countless scenarios like these recent ones, nothing has actually been done to prevent it happening in the future? So far, at the time I am writing this, 50 families are mourning the loss of a loved one due to gun violence. Another 53 are in hospital rooms and waiting rooms as they watch loved ones fight for their lives.

 

Thank you for reading my rant, I am so worked up that I’m not even sure if it all makes sense but I felt the need to express my thoughts somehow. I just wish I could do more than #PrayForOrlando because it’s really not enough.

The Harry Potter picnic post will be up at some point this week although I am not sure when yet.

 

Let me know what your thoughts on this tragedy are in the comments.

 

Love Jodie x