A late night existential crisis.

I am someone who strives for originality and craves uniqueness. Drastic as it sounds, I would gladly sacrifice my humanity and morality for the chance to be an individual. A real individual. But by this I don’t mean different to everyone in the ‘hipster’ sense of the word. I don’t want to have to try and be unique, I just want to be it. I mean that I want to be completely and unquestionably myself. Only myself.

Of course I know all the sayings; no one can be you apart from yourself, you are your own person, there is only one of you. Blah blah blah, bullshit. If we are all different then why are there so many people with the same interests as us? Why are there so many universally ‘relatable’ things? Why do I find myself scrolling through hundreds of feeds and timelines and blogs and social media accounts and finding more and more people like me?

There are five things in my life (aside from family, friends and other basic needs) that I would say are important to me:

  1. Cats- specifically mine
  2. Clothes- specifically dark skinny jeans, doc martens, checked shirts, short skirts, long socks, harry potter/band t shirts, baggy jumpers.
  3. Books- specifically fiction, YA novels, poetry anthologies, a few classics.
  4. Coffee- specifically  all kinds of coffee.
  5. Fairy Lights- Specifically blue or white, not yellow.

Now I would think, that given how specific my requirements for each of these things are, I would be one of very few people who would set these things as a top five needs in life.

But I’m not, there are numerous people that I’ve encountered who love all of the things that I do. Which is scary if you ask me, and if I overthink it too much then my brain delves into all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies about the government and media so I won’t go down that route. But essentially, this means that despite my best efforts; I am terrifyingly, painfully and undeniably…ordinary.

Maybe, I’m being melodramatic- correction, I am definitely being melodramatic.

But I am genuinely at a point my life where, although I finally happy with who I am, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I want in life, I feel an extreme lack of purpose and I don’t have any long term goals due to my overall cluelessness.

So I’ve been desperately clinging to my sense of individuality. Yet now it seems that even that is nowhere near as prominent as I thought. I know that I like people who are different and I enjoy having the freedom to be who I am with those people.  However, I don’t know how I feel about it when I look closer. When I do that I can see that actually I am quite similar to some of those people. Although a lot of my opinions and values and likes and dislikes may be against the general norm they still fit in with a group of people who feel the same way. It’s almost as if we have group mentality of collective abnormality. We are proud of it, but doesn’t that make me no more unique than any of them?

What if this sense of self that I’ve been feeling lately isn’t really that at all? It’s just been me changing from trying to fit in with one group in order to fit in with another, more accepting group.

I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know what to think either.

I know that I am immensely over thinking now. This entire piece of writing is the product of me lying in bed at 11:30pm and allowing my mind to wander. When I wake up I’ll probably come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not I change myself or my outlook on life. Heck, I’ll probably laugh at this entire piece of writing because it’s so trivial. But for now I suppose I will continue my existential crisis as I attempt to fall asleep. Because for now, in this moment, it’s important.

Anyway, chances are none of this makes any sense, but if you’ve read this far then congrats, you’ve impressed me!

Until next time,

Love Jodie x

Angry at Idiocy

So this post was supposed to be about the brilliant Harry Potter Picnic that I hosted.

It was a brilliant and happy, fun-filled day. But honestly, I am not in the mood to write about that today. It feels wrong that yesterday I was having fun with my friends, worrying over Harry Potter trivia, and fighting to win a stupid quiz. Because today right now there are over 50 people in hospitals in Orlando, fighting for their lives. There are another 50 dead. It is likely that the death toll number will rise. The night before this Christina Grimmie, a highly talented youtuber and musician was shot at a meet and greet after her concert. She was shot by a man who didn’t even face up to the consequences as he subsequently shot himself afterwards. There will be no justice for her. Those are just the deaths we around the world have actually heard about.

I am so so angry. The thought that someone walked into that nightclub last night and opened fire on a huge number of LGBTQ+ people is to me unimaginable. Yet it happened. It actually happened.

In 2016, after fighting for equality, fighting to change opinions and fighting for the right to love who the hell we want. This can still happen. In a gay night club, where people go to be themselves in a safe environment and have fun. If a gay person cannot feel safe in a gay bar then how are they supposed feel safe in the rest of the world?

The press are calling the shooter ‘mentally disturbed’. If this is a true and accurate depiction that he was in fact ‘crazy’ then why on earth was he allowed access to a gun? The vast acceptance of guns within America is mindboggling to me. I know a lot of people argue that it isn’t guns that kill people it is the person behind said gun. But surely, if something that is designed to kill is so easily accessible it is bound to cause death. The assault rifles used in these murders are not for hunting, they are for killing.

The shooter used an AR-15-type assault rifle, which has become the signature weapon of mass killers in the US according to The Telagraph.

Jon Cozart- a youtuber tweeted this:

Automatic weapons were invented for war, to kill mass amounts of ppl. You can’t hunt with them. There’s nothing recreational about them.

I agree. The type of person who buys again is obviously fine with committing murder. Chances are, even if your excuse for obtaining the gun is ‘self-defence’, in the moment at which you decide to use the gun for that reason, you are likely to shoot to kill.

So why is it, that after countless scenarios like these recent ones, nothing has actually been done to prevent it happening in the future? So far, at the time I am writing this, 50 families are mourning the loss of a loved one due to gun violence. Another 53 are in hospital rooms and waiting rooms as they watch loved ones fight for their lives.

 

Thank you for reading my rant, I am so worked up that I’m not even sure if it all makes sense but I felt the need to express my thoughts somehow. I just wish I could do more than #PrayForOrlando because it’s really not enough.

The Harry Potter picnic post will be up at some point this week although I am not sure when yet.

 

Let me know what your thoughts on this tragedy are in the comments.

 

Love Jodie x