Kidding, kind of. Do you ever think about how when you were a little kid literally everything brought you joy? Sycamore seeds, dandelions, conkers- the simplest of things. I remember … Continue reading Society murdered my childhood.
TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. TRIGGER WARNING. ANXIETY. DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A PANIC ATTACK. TRIGGER WARNING. It is unstoppable. It is terrifying, it is uncontrollable. I can’t see … Continue reading When the anxiety kicks in.
Wander through the barren bones,
the empty sockets, the rotting limbs.
Stumble over forgotten memories,
empty promises, stolen dreams.
Watch your step as you wade through despair, avoid hopelessness;
it will wait for you there, pounce on you there, wrap it’s arms round you there.
It will drag you downwards, keep you there, trap you there, lose you there.
So edge past the brick giants,
their hollow panes,
walk along the desolate lanes.
Dont run, they’ll know.
They always know.
~ Jodie x
The Blighter’s Rock has me inspired, so I thought I would try my hand at poetry.
This is the first poem I have ever written outside of school. It’s not good by any means, but its ok.
I’m not particularly proud of it but I gave it a go- it could be worse.
I would love to know what your thoughts are!
Constructive criticism is not only welcome to this post, it is at top of the guest list.
I am someone who strives for originality and craves uniqueness. Drastic as it sounds, I would gladly sacrifice my humanity and morality for the chance to be an individual. A real individual. But by this I don’t mean different to everyone in the ‘hipster’ sense of the word. I don’t want to have to try and be unique, I just want to be it. I mean that I want to be completely and unquestionably myself. Only myself.
Of course I know all the sayings; no one can be you apart from yourself, you are your own person, there is only one of you. Blah blah blah, bullshit. If we are all different then why are there so many people with the same interests as us? Why are there so many universally ‘relatable’ things? Why do I find myself scrolling through hundreds of feeds and timelines and blogs and social media accounts and finding more and more people like me?
There are five things in my life (aside from family, friends and other basic needs) that I would say are important to me:
- Cats- specifically mine
- Clothes- specifically dark skinny jeans, doc martens, checked shirts, short skirts, long socks, harry potter/band t shirts, baggy jumpers.
- Books- specifically fiction, YA novels, poetry anthologies, a few classics.
- Coffee- specifically all kinds of coffee.
- Fairy Lights- Specifically blue or white, not yellow.
Now I would think, that given how specific my requirements for each of these things are, I would be one of very few people who would set these things as a top five needs in life.
But I’m not, there are numerous people that I’ve encountered who love all of the things that I do. Which is scary if you ask me, and if I overthink it too much then my brain delves into all sorts of ridiculous conspiracies about the government and media so I won’t go down that route. But essentially, this means that despite my best efforts; I am terrifyingly, painfully and undeniably…ordinary.
Maybe, I’m being melodramatic- correction, I am definitely being melodramatic.
But I am genuinely at a point my life where, although I finally happy with who I am, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I want in life, I feel an extreme lack of purpose and I don’t have any long term goals due to my overall cluelessness.
So I’ve been desperately clinging to my sense of individuality. Yet now it seems that even that is nowhere near as prominent as I thought. I know that I like people who are different and I enjoy having the freedom to be who I am with those people. However, I don’t know how I feel about it when I look closer. When I do that I can see that actually I am quite similar to some of those people. Although a lot of my opinions and values and likes and dislikes may be against the general norm they still fit in with a group of people who feel the same way. It’s almost as if we have group mentality of collective abnormality. We are proud of it, but doesn’t that make me no more unique than any of them?
What if this sense of self that I’ve been feeling lately isn’t really that at all? It’s just been me changing from trying to fit in with one group in order to fit in with another, more accepting group.
I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know what to think either.
I know that I am immensely over thinking now. This entire piece of writing is the product of me lying in bed at 11:30pm and allowing my mind to wander. When I wake up I’ll probably come to some sort of conclusion as to whether or not I change myself or my outlook on life. Heck, I’ll probably laugh at this entire piece of writing because it’s so trivial. But for now I suppose I will continue my existential crisis as I attempt to fall asleep. Because for now, in this moment, it’s important.
Anyway, chances are none of this makes any sense, but if you’ve read this far then congrats, you’ve impressed me!
Until next time,
Love Jodie x
They say home is where your heart is set in stone
Is where you go when you’re alone
Is where you go to rest your bones
It’s not just where you lay your head
It’s not just where you make your bed
As long as we’re together, does it matter where we go?
~ Gabrielle Aplin
To me, home is somewhere I feel safe and happy. I dont have the easiest home life, my brother has a lot of issues, my sister gets very sad sometimes and my mum is not very well a lot of the time. But there is nowhere else I’d rather be than with them.
Some days all I want is to get out of the house, I want to run and never look back. Some days I wish I lived somewhere else, away from the chaos and stress. But then I remember that without the often chaotic atmosphere, it wouldn’t be home. I wouldn’t feel safe, and loved. and at ease, because home is where my family are.
Home is where my cat waits at the bottom of the stairs for me when I come in. It’s where my soft, blue fairy lights are. It’s where I sing songs with my sister at the top of my lungs, dance around the house in my underwear just because I can. It’s where my brother tells terrible jokes that you can’t help but laugh at. It’s where I can go and lay in my bed with a book and a coffee at the end a bad day. Home is where I want to be.
Maybe it’s the introvert in me, but the majority of the time home is where I wish I could stay. I love going out with my friends and I love doing exciting things, I enjoy going for walks and being out of the house. This is because a lot of the time I can feel claustrophobic in my house given some of the less than perfect circumstances. But I know that none of that means anything when I have my family with me, because we have the most fun ever. My mum, although a lot of people don’t know it, is one of the funniest people I have ever met, my sister is the kindest, most considerate sister in the world, and my brother is the quickest, wittiest 8 year old in existence. They’re all perfect in their own ways despite their flaws and they are where my home is.
Let me know what makes a real home for you in the comments!
Love Jodie x
So I decided that I really needed to post something and everything I have tried to write lately has been awful. So I decided to try less with a post and just write down everything that comes into my head in around 10 minutes. I think I’ve been trying too hard for perfection and have forgotten that this blog is just a fun outlet not an obligation. I have done nothing to the words other correct spelling mistakes and add paragraphs for easier reading.
So here is me, completely unedited and unplanned. I hope you get something slightly amusing from it, if anything. Step in to my brain…
It’s 9;05am and I am in the best mood ever!
I woke up wanting to sing and dance around the house, so I have. I’m listening to Take That, I love Take That, they make me feel nostalgic because I used to listen to them in the car with my mum when I was little.
I wonder if they ever feel nostalgic and listen to their old albums. I don’t think I could bare that. My voice recorded is horrible, I can’t believe I normally sound like that to people. My voice is so irritating, I don’t know how I have any friends when my voice is such an irritant. But then again everyone thinks that.
My cat’s here now, Fergus. He’s sitting on my lap purring and trying to get at the keys of my laptop as I type this. Cats make everything better in life, no wonder the ancient Egyptians worshipped them, they’re my saviour when I feel sad. Cats are intelligent they know how to love- Bastille just came on, now I’m thinking about my friend Emily who loves them more than she should.
When we went on a school trip to Barcelona I set Bastille as our alarm so that she’d wake up happy every morning, it worked very well. I turned her into a morning person for that holiday. I have an itch on my forehead. I scratched it.
My phone is buzzing but I can’t be bothered to look at it in case it’s someone I don’t want to talk to because that will stress me out. I get stressed very easily. The music got too loud just now and that stressed me out- I turned it down. I have friends who need help and that stresses me out because I don’t know how to help them. I’m eating sherbet lemons… this calms me down because they are my all-time favourite sweet along with flying saucers. I like sherbet. I’m a sugar addict. I’m also a coffee addict so I have fairly strong coffee with 2 sugars, in case you’re wondering. Speaking of which I’m going to stop typing now because my sherbet lemon has almost dissolved and I want to drink my coffee. I feel like this is a good place to stop.
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment on my meandering thoughts.
Love Jodie x
A few weeks ago, we were tagged to do the 5 senses challenge by Elm, thank you very much! Sorry we didn’t get to do it earlier. It’s been a hectic couple of weeks! For now, it will be me doing the tag, Jodie may add to this post later. If so, we’ll tweet about it.
-Thank the person who nominated you
-For each of the five senses (or as many as you do) describe five of your favourite things having to do with that sense. AKA your five favourite smells, sounds etc.
-Nominate five other people to do this tag
- Stars clearly on a dark night.
- Waves coming into the shore.
- People smiling.
- The view from the London Eye, which I saw for the first time on Thursday.
- I’d really love to go and see the northern lights in person one day, I think that would be an amazing experience.
- Music playing through headphones, without interference.
- The laughter of my best friends.
- The giggle of my little sister and my baby cousin.
- Waves are my favourite sound, excluding music.
- The sound of the doorbell when I know pizza is coming. (I’m kind of joking. Only kind of.)
- A burning log fire.
- A bookshop.
- Angel by Thierry Mugler.
- Black Cherry Yankee Candle.
- Pine and spices remind me of Christmas and always make me happy.
- English Breakfast tea with milk and 2 sugars first thing in the morning.
- Sweet and salted popcorn in front of a good film or T.V. show. (Preferably Agent Carter.)
- Chocolate chip cookies and milk whilst reading a good book in the winter.
- Lemonade with mint.
- Rose flavoured anything.
Things to feel
- Smooth stones.
- The pages of a book.
- Mist on my arms on a hot day.
- My hair when its just been washed and dried.
- Soft blankets.
I guess that’s it for now at least! I do not know who to tag, so instead of tagging five people, I am daring all of our followers to do this challenge and tweet us the link so we can read yours!
Really sorry we haven’t blogged in a while, life has been hectic recently, but it’s just beginning to slow down and we’re on holiday now. We also went on a trip with the music department at our school the other day so there should be a post about that soon, too! Thank you all for reading and hope to see you soon.
Till next time